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“I know you’re feeling invisible. Lonely. Unloved. But God has a plan for you. It’s called the Unlimited Plan. We appreciate your loyalty but see that your Unlimited Plan expired. Just think here and you can unlock His solace – ah, we’ve just received your payment! Clench your teeth – good… here He comes…”

Roland flailed pathetically as his Halo Hybrid White stimulated key areas of his limbic system. The first zaps gave him solace, connection, love, hope, and billions of sizzled synapses. Well worth tithing 80% of his salary. Worth learning how to overcrank the stimpulses. At first. Now, even though they were strong enough to kill the average elephant, they didn’t even bring him back to baseline.

He was used to the side effects like drooling and unwanted releases from his nether regions. Fortunately, he’d learned to stay inside and connect his air freshener to his brain interface. It made scents when you think about it. Then he got an unexpected call.

“Have you been harmed by neurevangelism? Have you collapsed or had awkward muscle failures during the pseudoseizures? Dental costs from not clenching your teeth? Public embarrassment from those sudden stains down there?  Our legal experts are standing by! Just think here and-” Roland thought away but another message was already queued up.

“We noticed your last financial transaction. God doesn’t need to be paid for His love. Join the Second Coming of Calvin Church for free! Just like our competitors, we can sense when you’re feeling down and provide soothing, targeted stimulation… but at no monthly cost! Just purchase our CloudTop Lifetime headset -”

Roland thought away and muted all calls from unknown thinkers. He noticed a message reminding him that his doctor needed samples of his stool, urine, semen, and blood. He thought back that he’d send his underwear. After a brief delay, a nurse replied that was disgusting. She was cute. One more woman who didn’t appreciate his unique style and wit. Yet another…

“We sense you’re feeling down again! Clench your teeth!” Roland was too slow this time. When he regained consciousness, he noticed he’d swallowed bits of tongue, teeth, lips, carpet, and his damaged headset. Blood dripped on to his shoulder. But God loved him and so he smiled as best he could with what was left of his motor cortex. He slowly crawled to the kitchen as he realized his left leg was paralyzed, checked his cupboards for food, then remembered he couldn’t afford any. Didn’t his wife buy anything? Ah, he remembered, she left him after he spent their kids’ college fund on neurevangelism. He was really hungry. Was he dying? Would he die alone? He was so lonely! Would anyone ever love…

The next stimulation pulse hit him without the usual warning message. As his neurons fired their last, he thought he saw God. But ?e looked so different this time.