bcifi

Yes, sir, we can plan your wedding to an ostrich. Yes on all six other requests. First, we can prepare a luxury aviary for the guests. Second, we can perform a Roman Catholic ceremony, as long as you don’t mind that the priestess was defrocked. Third, we did process your payment in advance, thank you, sir. Fourth, we will provide paperwork validating your wedding, and technically it is valid on the island you bought. Fifth, we will provide a choir of trained birds to sing in honor of your recently deceased wife-”

Jonah lowered his head. “Merle took me under her wing. Taught me how to love. Taught me the beauty of natural flight. She was the greatest woman in history.”

“She was, indeed, sir. And speaking of the dearly departed, sixth, we have eliminated your ex-wife, Robin.”

ONE YEAR EARLIER

“OK, Robin. I’m gonna marry Merle tomorrow. We need to keep our relationship secret until she’s dead as a dodo. Tell everyone we got divorced because I loved birds and you didn’t.”

“Yeah, we went over this. I’m parroting everything you told me. Don’t push it or I’ll fly the coop.”

“Don’t talk like that. I’m the one marrying some bird loving quack five times older than us just so you and me and our kids’ll be set for life. I gotta say: ‘Merle Byrd, you are so beautiful’ and… umm….” he shuddered. “Well, I got those pills so I can… satisfy her. Even her clothes are all smelly and shriveled.”

“Jonah, most guys who do your job make a lot less than $200 million.”

“It’s not just about being a man-whore. I fucking hate those birds everywhere. Shitting and squawking and shedding feathers. Flapping and crapping and yapping and snapping at me. And I’m the one that’s got this permanent brain implant she invented that she thinks will make me love her and those damn birds. It can’t possibly work, the way that bird-brained bitch drools now.”