bcifi

Bull sCheIße by Brendan ZaChary AllIson

Mikhail chewed. It was his job, though he wasn’t one to ponder his career. He preferred ruminating about his favorite topic: the right time for a bowel movement. Hours passed. He watched as a yellow metal long-horse full of children drove by, mooing at him expressively. Little did the witty tykes know that what they cheerfully brayed at him translated as “We eat pee-hay,” with a poor Holstein accent. One of them threw a white cup at him, which the wind promptly whipped back into the face of a girl two seats back. Ahh. That was it! The look on her face was enough to loosen three of his stomachs, the first time in a week. As soon as he set out his cow pie to dry, a robot immediately collected it and deposited it in a vat that sent his masterpiece directly to court. The big trial was scheduled to begin the next morning.

Populism had mutated like a tawdry viral meme. California citizens grew increasingly confident in direct democracy through ever-escalating special ballots. After legalizing marijuana, subsequent measures approved the legalization of psilocybin, absinthe, several designer smart drugs, and finally even tobacco. The special election that made Schwarzenegger governor spelled the end of the “indirect” democracy popular among the less progressive states. California had eight special elections in the 2020s alone that led to Governors Issa, Spears, Simpson, Bauer, Benjes, Jones, Weir, and then the landslide re-election of Gray Davis. After the Goldengate scandals of 2033, dozens of polls showed that public confidence in the justice system had fallen to its lowest point ever – almost as low as faith in pollsters. Was televised populist vigilantism the answer? No, said California’s few remaining intellectuals, quite loudly. Yes, said a much smaller yet far richer number of executive producers. As usual in the war for hearts and minds, the intellectuals lost to the intelligent.

The California Justice Act of 2038 created a special court system named The Special People’s Court, which could only be engaged after a pop-ballot measure accruing over 20 million votes. The first defendant widely announced he’d beat any kind of show trial they threw at him, ignoring his team of lawyers that urged him against a bullshit trial. That trial was beginning as announcer Lew Dugan spoke to the largest audience in viewing history.

“Let’s review the situation for our audience jury. As you know, in the Special People’s Court, claimants choose to have their case heard by our celebrity judge, former Appellate Court Chief Justice Mark Wapner. The District Attorney, defendant, and court system have agreed to the procedures, questions, and prospective penalties as per the California Justice Act – your act – the People’s Act.

“We have our first case today. This defendant earned over 6 million votes to appear on this show. You’ve conveyed that his history of dishonesty to our citizens merits special justice with a new mechanism we’ve never tried before. Now, let’s turn to Judge Wapner.”

The video feed switched to an elderly judge, who cleared his throat and began speaking gravely. “Sir, you stand accused of numerous serious crimes as detailed in this agreement, which you have signed and is presently being displayed to you on this holo-display. Do you understand your agreement to waive other rights to have your case tried in this court?”

“Yes.” The defendant sounded confident, his teeth gleaming whiter than his $10,000 shirt.

“Very well. Now, it’s time to enact the special trial conditions decided by our audience jury. Bailiff, please prepare the Halo and secure the defendant in the Star Chamber.” Half a billion special people in audiences around the world cheered as the bailiff placed a headband on the defendant’s head, secured it with a small electronic lock, and covered it in two small ponchos. The bailiff then helped the defendant enter the special sealed plastic chamber prepared for him, then locked it. Hot while lights blared down on the defendant like uncaring stars.

The judge banged his gavel and then addressed the defendant. “For the following question only: Defendant, lie to me. How old are you?”

“Twenty-two, sir.”

“Inaccurate! Inaccurate! Data in error!” The judge winced as the automated system’s harsh female voice pierced the courtroom. After a brief delay, a mechanical sound was heard from the ceiling, triggering a roar of audience anticipation. A five gallon Mikhail cocktail fell on the defendant, who jumped back and yelled.

“Hey! What the fuck is this bullshit?!!”

“The citizens have decided that ensuring your honesty during the trial process is of paramount importance, and is only possible through extreme measures. Any false or elusive statements will cause the chute to open and pour bovine feces into the chamber. The citizens have spoken. Bailiff, please double-check the seals on the chamber.”

“This is absurd! This is not an approved device or method or-“

“Your rights in this matter are detailed in the legal agreement, including broad discretionary freedom by our citizen jury relating to trial parameters. The court is satisfied with the sensitivity, specificity, and accuracy of the so-called Bullshit Court Interpreter BCI system in use here, which has been extensively validated across several hundred peer-reviewed publications.”

“Based on prior examples of such special courtroom circumstances, my attorneys and I could not reasonably have expected the undue burden of-“

“Telling the truth?”

“Your honor, this is a very complex situation, I didn’t break any laws or do anything wrong and pbbbbt! Motherfucker!” He spluttered and buckled under the second droppage, then a third. Then another.

“According to this system, you do not in fact believe the last two of your three preceding assertions.”

“But you just shit on me three times!”

“Droppage can also be triggered by audience vote.”

“Majority vote?”

“No, we use a less stringent criterion for elective droppage.”

“Your honor, I request additional time to prepare my defense.”

“Do you make that request because it was your intent to deceive this court during this trial?”

“Of course not, Your Honor, it was phfwww! Goddammit!” He removed his coat to wipe off the fresh load. “That’s a twenty thousand dollar coat!” The chute opened again. “OK, I mean, I paid seven, but-” He spit shit. “You got some in my mouth!”

“The former value of your coat is dilatory. Please limit your replies to questions asked by the court. Was it your expectation to deceive the court and the people of California at this trial today?”

The defendant paused, then held his breath for a while and simply shook his head in the negative. He looked briefly satisfied, but then, after a few seconds, the chute opened again.

“The defendant should be aware that the system detects the defendant’s belief in the factual accuracy of representations made, verbal or otherwise.”

“THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!” He looked up just in time to see another load rain on him. “What the fuck? It really is bullshit!”

The judge looked at the holo-display. “Your statement was literally correct. However, you apparently do not believe that statement figuratively. The court agrees with The Algorithm’s interpretation of that statement as supportive of its presumption that you intended to deceive the court and people of California. I further posit that you don’t believe less severe measures would have effectively dissuaded deception.”

“I- I request a mistrial.” The defendant leaned back defensively, but the chute remained closed. “I believe that the people out there want to make a show out of all of this.”

“While the court agrees with the unconventional nature of this trial, the defendant waived his right to an alternative trial option. The trial shall proceed. Did you engage in fraudulent activity leading to the deaths of California state employees, as detailed in the agreement currently displayed to you?”

“I request a mistrial.”

“Your request is denied. Did you make any false statements to this court today?”

“I request a mistrial.”

“Is it your intent to avoid additional chute openings by responding in that fashion to all remaining questions?”

“I request a mistrial.” The defendant leaned back against the plastic shield and smiled. A few seconds later, the chute opened again. “Whoa! I didn’t lie there! I really do request a mistrial!” The chute opened again and the defendant sloshed forward and pounded on the shield. “Stop!” He tried to remove his headband. The lock lit up briefly and he vibrated under a powerful electric shock.

“The defendant should be aware that the system is designed to provide droppage if the defendant consistently fails to respond in a fashion he considers factually accurate.” Another droppage followed. By now, the bottom half of the chamber was full. “Thus, the preceding replies requesting a mistrial did not meet the criteria for responding to the court’s questions, as established by The Algorithm.” The judge paused, then looked confused as another drop occurred.

“OK, wait, wait wait. You only asked me three questions where I asked for a mistrial, and this thing just poured that time-delayed shit on me four times.”

“It’s a beta version. Stop distracting the court. Is it your intent to provide neither substantive nor accurate replies to the questions prepared for you today?”

“WHAT FUCKING SPAWN OF SATAN INVENTED THIS GODDAMN THING ON MY HEAD?!”

“It was derived from a story posted online in 2024. The author died soon after after using a brain interface that he hacked incorrectly. Please answer my preceding question regarding your intended replies today, noting the aforementioned time allotted. Indeed, that time is about to expire again.” The defendant sputtered angrily, then sputtered functionally after the chute opened again.  

“Fuck you! Judge, bailiff, you have no idea who you are fucking with here! I have friends! We will fucking kill you!” He began banging on the inside of his chamber again. The judge watched the chute remain closed for a few seconds.

“Bailiff, please note that the court agrees with the determination of The Algorithm that the defendant was telling the truth during his last statements. Hence, further charges are hereby added, including assault, conspiracy to commit murder in the first degree, contempt of court, felony menacing, felony-“ He stopped speaking as the now-terrified defendant swam forward and began pleading. “Wait! Judge! May I please speak?”

“Yes.”

“It was a fit of rage. I apologize to the court. I do not plan to cause you harm. Or the bailiff.” He looked up pleadingly, but the chute remained closed. “See? Really. I’m over it now.”

“The court is willing reduce the additional charges mentioned today, including any penalty for dishonesty toward this court today, if the defendant provides factual replies as per the agreement.”

“Wait. Lemme point out one thing. I know you’re having fun out there, and all that, but I’m swimming up to my chest here. If this thing keeps opening on me, I’m gonna drown. Like, that’s the death penalty. Illegal in California. You – you can’t all want to murder me here on live TV like – like this.”

“The defendant should be aware that the possibility of drowning was considered by this court, as well as the citizens, in crafting the procedure here.”

The defendant looked toward the camera, then the judge. “Wow. You guys are sadists. I thought you were, like, a real judge, Your Honor.”

The judge locked eyes with the defendant, then looked down with regret. “The defendant should be reminded that chute openings have resulted primarily from false or evasive replies by the defendant and will typically not recur if the defendant truthfully proceeds as per the agreement.” After a brief pause, the chute opened again, filling the chamber to the bottom of his chin. “That one was another audience vote.”

“OK. OK. Please, I don’t want to die in here. Or anywhere, really.” He paused and took a deep breath, which now required angling his head up. “Yes, I engaged in fraudulent activity as described over a period of over 20 years. This included bribery of several elected officials. It cost the taxpayers more than Enron. I was responsible for falsifying safety evaluations involving contracts with the State of California and numerous independent contractors. Yes, caused that Golden Gate Bridge collapse. I’ll tell you who else was involved, how we did it, everything I know. I do maintain that the reasons are more complex than personal profit, I had a team, I had deadlines, people counting on me, reputation, I’m telling the truth and if that thing drops on me then it’s totally full of shit.” He paused. “I meant, it would then also be full of shit in a metaphorical sense.” He glared at the unmoving chute. He then spent several minutes rattling off details before hanging his head in shame, blowing bubbles, then lifting his head to breathe.

“The court thanks the defendant for his statements and is satisfied with the deposition. The court also wishes to make the defendant aware that, while he very probably believed his penultimate statement to be correct, the chute is in fact currently empty.”

“Huh? So you mean what I just said was unnecessary?”

“The court and citizens had considered the prospect of drowning.”

“Well then I hereby recant my testimony and move to-”

“Motion denied. I strongly advise against further statements, which could be used against you in your pending trial before the California Superior Court.”

“Wait, I thought this was my trial? I’m done.”

“The events here today are for entertainment purposes only. It was in your contract. You waived numerous rights to be in situation.”

“Please, your Honor, in the name of justice, dismiss my case.”

The judge paused, looked down again, then said softly, “I’m retired. I no longer have the authority to dismiss a Superior Court case. I would urge you to speak with your attorneys and listen this time. “

“Fucking lawyers! I’m gonna-”

“Your microphone is now deactivated. This trial is concluded. The Bailiff shall proceed with the release procedure with appropriate cleaning and airing out procedures. The Bailiff is also ordered to then provide the defendant an immediate shower, then provide clean clothing prior to transfer back to his holding cell.” The judge then adjusted his tie, took a deep breath, and turned toward the camera. “Please listen to me, everyone out there. What happened today is deeply wrong. I will turn myself in to the appropriate authorities for my crimes here today. I urge the citizens of California to immediately repeal this –” The special citizens in the audience booed just before the camera cut off. Viewers began voting for the judge as the next defendant.

Mikhail didn’t ponder justice any more than the vindictive viewers. He didn’t understand why the green metal long-horse cruising loudly by his front yard had black round bars over its windows. He did understand the only passenger seemed very different from the children in the yellow long-horses. Sad. Quiet. So much older. Mikhail turned away from the prison bus, walked to his favorite spot, and lifted his tail to dispense more justice. This one landed squarely on the Seal of the Special People’s Court on the robot lurking below.

Author Commentary

I wrote this in the 1990s. I was iffy about posting this since it’s particularly immature. But I keep seeing other stories that feature justice based on citizens’ votes. Somehow, the fate of the accused is decided by citizens, who inevitably and unsurprisingly turn out to be overly harsh, judgmental, and unqualified to judge. It’s been in Orville, Black Mirror, and many others. Private committees that act as judge and executioner were also explored in the 1983 movie The Star Chamber, which is based on historical courts of injustice.

This story is also about direct democracy combined with populist demagoguery. It’s a reminder of an unfortunately unpopular reality: sometimes, the best people to run government agencies are professionals and not angry mobs. Elect officials as appropriate and then let them do what they studied and trained to do. Especially judges. Besides, the rapid rise of YouTube judges provides a great check on the justice system while entertaining too many of us. 

Enron was a real scandal in California for which nobody was really published. It’s a great argument toward vigilante justice until you consider the real hazards of vigilante justice, as per this story. Sir Thomas More said it better: “This country’s planted thick with laws from coast to coast—man’s laws, not God’s—and if you cut them down—and you’re just the man to do it—d’you really think you could stand upright in the winds that would blow then?”

Text in the lie-detector testing dialog is directly transcribed from Classic Star Trek Episode “Wolf in the Fold.”

The Bay Area seems to have a lot of problems with bridge collapses. It hurt to inflict this on the Golden Gate, but I had to make the protagonist seem deserving of a harsh fate. I originally had it cause injury or death, but it’s meant as a generally lighthearted story. 

This story is loosely based on the original “reality court” show, called The People’s Court. The announcer is based on its announcer, Doug Llewelyn. The judge’s name combines the judge from The People’s Court (Joseph Wapner) with Mark Watney from The Martian. Like the judge in this story, Joseph Wapner was a real judge before becoming a Hollywood judge. You then had a spate of “reality court” shows with Judge Judy and such. Today, we see the most realistic possible shows getting attention: YouTube videos showing real people in real courts with real judges, often being mocked by real attorneys. 

I am by far the most active of anyone in the world railing against bullshit BCIs. I’ve used that term in many talks, posters, and even papers. It’s one of the biggest threats to our field overall – and many people within it, whether academic, commercial, medical, or end users. I worry about misrepresentation of BCIs and practitioners. 

You might wonder: Is Brendan really the most active of anyone in the world? Over 8 billion of us? Yes. I am. Do your due diligence before, or else after, you judge. That’s a major theme of this story. 

Thanks to veterinarian Dr. Joe Alaimo because I asked him whether cattle have only one bowel. 

Realism

Like other stories I’ve written, the obstacles aren’t technological. This also could have been developed decades ago. For example, the same two guys that invented the P300 BCI through a famous 1988 paper published a 1991 paper that used a similar P300-based approach for lie detection. The first author, Larry Farwell, started a company devoted to EEG-based lie detection that remains active. My PhD thesis, much of my career, and even my license plate rely on P300 BCIs. I met Larry Farwell a few times and he’s deeply devoted to freeing people who are falsely convicted through his technology. I strongly respect that goal, but am concerned about a slippery slope toward other applications. 

The special election in California was real and did indeed make direct democracy look bad. That’s what got Schwarzenegger elected. The special election to replace Governor Gray Davis with a Hollywood celebrity was triggered by the now-forgotten Darryl Issa, who actually “won” in this story, along with Britney Spears, O. J. Simpson, and three other people from Hollywood: Joe Bauer, Andy Weir, and Tim Jones. 

While this story is silly, it does raise much more serious issues about the power of BCI algorithms that provide classification and (along with bad people) can automatically “make” decisions with influences people don’t want nor appreciate. There are precursors every time a BCI inaccurately interprets a user’s desire, such as spelling the wrong letter or moving a cursor in the wrong direction. I capitalized The Algorithm to warn of such deification. 

Hope

This would be funny in theory but horrific in practice. I added this snap-back to reality when the judge tries to get the system shut down in the penultimate paragraph, then gets cut off and voted as the next contestant. 

Edit History

I wrote this in the 1990s and posted it here in November 2024. An earlier version was called “Pulp Justice.”

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