Bi soCIal

About the author

This is a picture of the author’s father under a double rainbow at his home in Ouray, CO. I wanted to match the theme of “bi” in the title. It was this picture of me double fisting beer.

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Bi soCIal by Brendan zaChary allIson

Implanting thousands of minitrodes inside your brain is still considered surgery.

That’s not what I see online, doctor. And I spend a lot of time researching this. Don’t you neurosurgeons watch MeTube, MyFace, InstaSham, Flitter, LinkedSkin, OldsMax, all the commercials there-

I think those are fake news channels and fauxmercials. Many are trolls who profit from their believers.

Ah, so you believe in MainStream Medicine? I guess you learned MSM in medical school, huh?

It’s unethical to implant you without an interview about other options to treat loneliness. Now. You live in a major metropolis, but from your data, you’re never outside. Your only in-person interactions are with food and grocery delivery people and those plumbers to unclog your toilet. You don’t really try to make friends online because you won’t interact with people who don’t share your self-identification.

Right. I refuse to be labeled as any of the three major races or genders. So I identify as bi-non-trinary.

Our staff also made some AI-generated friends for you based on your neural profile that we-

Blah blah. Same type of solution as always. Find some external solution to my loneliness. Just go right to the source. Occam’s Razor. I want them grids in my brain so I won’t feel lonely in the first place.

Some people believe that loneliness is a reasonable response to being alone. Do you understand that you’ll no longer feel any connection to other people? You’ll be alone forever. I’m still not convinced that you’ve really explored non-surgical options to treat your condition. We’re a social species. We’re human.

Fine, then. I no longer identify as human. It’s another label. Implant me or I’ll sue under Title IX. And I’m livestreaming you now and I’ll post this video for all of my viewers and – wait, where’s your name and medical license number? Aren’t doctors required to share that information?

I never said I was a doctor, you fucking quack. But this livestream made me over a grand so far. Thanks!

Author Commentary

This story was inspired by the bruhaha with labels and their impact. Rachel Dolezal labeled herself as a race that wasn’t genetically correct, claiming race was only a label. The non-binary movement grew out of the idea that “male” and “female” are only labels. As a writer, I certainly agree that labels can be impactful. Extending these trends, we might end up with far more new labels for people who don’t like other labels. For example, what if someone objects to all three major racial labels, or the labels “male,” “female,” and “non-binary?” What if people and even AI entities object to being labeled as such? What confusion might result from presuming someone/thing is a doctor, person, etc?

Another inspiration for this story was the post-truth era. People don’t like being wrong. More and more people get and believe the news and realities they want to hear, rather than what’s objectively true. The ongoing growth of online “news” sources supports the fortress mentality – you’re with us or against us and we like-minded people need to stick together against the uninformed masses.

Realism

The metaphorical realism of this story depends largely on your perspective on the proliferation of more labels.

Hope

Whether this story is hopeful, offensive, or just silly is up to the reader.

As a scientist, the proliferation of false beliefs is obviously worrisome. That’s why I made and still wear that T-shirt with “Will Argue Science for Money.” I made it after a particularly stupid argument over whether COVID was real. In the middle of the discussion, I realized I was being stupid because I was engaging in a pointless argument in the middle of a mall. Then I noticed the T-shirt printing stand.

Edit History

I wrote this in Jan 2024 and posted it in March 2024.

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