bcifi

Banal Cat Insight by Brendan ZaChary AllIson

---

“Mrow Ella, she doesn’t love me!!”

“Calm down, ma’am. Why do you believe that?”

“Well,” she sniffed, “she’s curled up on my lap making this quiet trill in her throat. And she was moving her front paws up and down on my lap. And licking me while I pet her. What did I do wrong?”

“Ma’am, those are all indications of a healthy and happy housecat.”

“But I got one of those cat monitoring collars, you know, that measures their brain and heart and stuff.”

“Ah.”

“It says Mrow Ella doesn’t love me, is really stressed, distrusts Greek chefs, and ate some rat poison!”

“The device, or its owner, could be faulty.”

“Oh no! It says here…” she pointed at her cell phone… “her heart rate is 160! That’s like double mine!!!”

“That’s healthy for cats, ma’am. You should see a doctor. And try to relax and pay more attention.”

“Why?”

“Well, ma’am, you called a hardware store.”

Author Commentary

This is surprisingly realistic for such a silly tale. It is rife with shout-outs to Fawlty Towers. Fans of that series should recognize “Manuel, he doesn’t love me!” The same episode mentioned Greek chefs; another episode involved the mistaken presumption that a cat ate rat poison.

The ending about calling a hardware store is derived from an old joke.

Realism

I think the underlying invention is quite realistic. Companies already make BCIs for pets and even insects. Look at (e.g.) No More Woof! or Backyard Brains’ products for cockroach control. It seems reasonable that some of the most eager early adopters of neurotechnologies to infer pet emotion will be people who, relative to most people, are gullible and obsessed with their pets.

The ending also assumes there’s at least one “feline guidance service” out there. People and companies also offer psychiatric services for pets. The so-called “Dog Whisperer” was a high-profile example.

Further support for the realism of neurotechnologies for pets comes from this article from the Onion. Like so many Onion articles, the headline is sufficient.

Hope

This story does involve a “bullshit BCI.” However, its impact isn’t so bad. They’re ripping off pet owners but not really causing much harm to them, nor their pets. Furthermore, the cat is clearly happy.

Edit History

I wrote this in late 2023 and ran it by Andy Weir, who is also an experienced cat owner and fan of Fawlty Towers. I’ve been thinking about it more since I’ve been working on a book chapter about “BCIs for the General Population” for the upcoming Wolpaw and Krusienski textbook.

In March 2024, I wrote part of this chapter that addresses BCIs and related neurotechnologies for pets. I just mocked NoMoreWoof.com with my co-author, Reinhold Scherer, while discussing different applications of neurotechnologies for pets. So I changed the ending and updated the text after the story, including adding the Onion article under “Realism.”

Comments and Replies

Comment away!