aBsurd appliCatIon

About the author

This is a positive story that includes smiling. Here I smiling while wearing my old “iCog” shirt from the UCSD Cog Sci Department.

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aBsurd appliCatIon by Brendan ZaChary AllIson

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Thank you to everyone who supported my proposal to devote our neuricles to repairing and decoding the information on these arcane phatchips from the Edenship. It’s been a good use of our neuricles and-

[Channel 15: MeaningofLife] Schopenhauer: Strong disagree. For someone who named herself after one of their scientists, you sure do radiate ignorance. I voted against it and still do. We should devote our neural processing power to understanding our suffering during our last remaining years. You learned nothing useful after wasting twenty thousand quatloos of neuricles processing that nutty nonsense.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Disagree. I learned a lot more about these meatcars that our ancestors used. Really interesting! Their meatcars had bilaterally symmetrical components including legs, arms, nostrils, and ears. But only one appendix, which they often removed-

[Channel 15: MeaningofLife] Schopenhauer: So they built lots of cars with a component they removed? There are only about three thousand of us left and you’re wasting our precious neuricles floundering with useless appendices?

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: I had to study this so-called appendix before I could figure out it wasn’t necessary for reproduction. I still haven’t found anything that would help us repopulate. I don’t think it required their nostrils either. But their meatcars had the same DNA as their users, just like us and our bodycars, which could imply-

[Channel 15: MeaningofLife] Schopenhauer: They had enough skill to make some cars with the same DNA, but not enough to reproduce. Same as us. Well I did my own research and-

[Channel 1984: CogPol] Auto’Brien: Dumbphrase detected! Schopenhauer muted.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Ahhhh. Anyone have something helpful to think?

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Me me me! I’ve been reading some of the new Arcanity you decoded. I’ve been more interested in another Caste called Engineers or Makers. So I just started this Makers channel and renamed myself after one of their most famous makers. And I’ve been making… well… their versions of bodycars. You know. Meatcars.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Ooh! I’m quivery. Can I see one of them?

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. This is a camera on me right now. I’ll share it with @all.

[Channel 1984: CogPol] Auto’Brien: Error! Vinci not detected in video.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Agree. Same problem here. I think that’s the wrong camera. I just see – well, it looks like one of those meatcars that our ancestors used.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. Thank you. Took me days to make. And fully functional. Seems aesthetically pleasing somehow, too.

[Channel 14: Culture] Kahlo: Strong agree! You actually made a working meatcar? It’s gorgeous!

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. Thank you! High praise from an artist of your caliber. I quiver in gratitude. And my meatcar isn’t just ornamental. I can move different components of it. Watch… now I’m rotating, waving –

[Channel 14: Culture] Asimov: Hey Vinci! I can’t see you either. Just that magnificent old-fashioned meatcar you made.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Agree. I’m still having that same problem. I assumed you were behind that meatcar or something. But you’re not visible in this video. OK. Now I sense you’re quivering at that and I wanna learn why.

[Channel 15: MeaningOfLife] Laozi: Agree. And the top of that meatcar is changing. It seems correlated with your quivering somehow. It’s very expressive.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Agree. I know what those parts are called. The mouth is elongated, pushing the cheeks backward and up a little. Twinkle in the… what’s it called… eye.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. This meatcar does that automatically whenever I quiver. It also makes me feel at ease. Kind of… what’s that word that Curie found… happy.

[Channel 14: Culture] Dick: Agree. Those changes on the top of the meatcar make me… happy… just watching. You’ve really struck a nerve with this meatcar. I’m thinking everyone in my channel to check this out. But I still can’t see you.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Wait! I get it! Vinci must be inside that meatcar!

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: I sense you’re quivering again. And you deserve it.

[Channel 14: Culture] Kahlo: Strong agree. You are inside your art! Wow! I hereby nominate you for a Fartsy Award! But how do you get fud and nitroxy in there?

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: I’ve been waiting for someone to ask that. Here’s my personal consumption since I moved in to this meatcar. I’m sharing with @all now.

[Channel 1984: CogPol] Auto’Brien: Medical emergency! Starvation! Asphyxiation!

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Vinci? Try to stay conscious. I’m coming to you right now with some nitroxy and fud. My bodycar is in emergency mode. Sorry @all for the sonic boom. I need to save-

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Strong disagree. Relax. I’m fine. Look, @all, I’ll release all my medical info.

[Channel S=1984: CogPol] Auto’Brien: Crime! Fraud alert! Vinci appears healthy. Impossible!

[Channel 14: Culture] Dick: Ambivalence. I’m not sure it’s really fraud. Maybe it’s part of the art. Vinci’s only pretending. Right? Curie, I see you just got there with a scanner. Is Vinci OK?

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Agree. I’ll share my scanner readings with @all. Vinci is operating normally. It looks like the meatcar can make fud and nitroxy from the surrounding environment. Vinci, this meatcar you built is not just beautiful, it’s also practical!

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. Thank you. Again. And you’re right. Again. This meatcar is very well made to support us. At least when I’m inside this wet sphere on the top of the meatcar.

[Channel S: General] 37 minds: Fascinating. That does seem like a fitting area for you. But why that artistic choice?

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: It’s not just for art. I connected all of my I/O ports and cables directly to the inside of this wet sphere because it has most of the nerve ports. I should let Lamarr explain. I couldn’t have figured out how to interact without the meatcar without help from our genius at communication.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Lamarr: Ambivalence. It was a joint effort. And it was fun working with you, Vinci! According to the heady data that Curie decoded, that wet sphere is called the cranial cavity. I also learned a lot about their communication with meatcars with the data Curie found about Brain – Computer Interfacing. BCI, they called it.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Agree. I read about those BCIs in the new data. Everyone was trying to figure out something called the killer application for BCIs.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Lamarr: That sounds terrifying! But what’s a brain?

[Channel 77673: Makers] Curie: I’m not really sure. I need more time and neuricles to reconstruct the Arcanity. I think that wet sphere on the top of the meatcar would normally contain a component they call the brain.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. It did. I just removed it and now I’m here instead. I fit perfectly! It’s actually very comfortable.

[Channel 1984: CogPol] Auto’Brien: Warning! Ethical violation. Possible homicide.

[Channel S: General] 268 minds: Strong Agree! Likert Mean 4.9! That brain component looks exactly like one of us!!! Explanation demanded!

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. Just to avoid any kind of ethical problem, when I printed this meatcar, I replaced the brain component with an inert gelatin. I found some phatchip data about something called a Jell-O brain mold. This Jell-O can’t produce cognemes or even neuricles. So there was no crime.

[Channel S: General] 791 minds: Agree! Likert Mean 4.1. No violation. Lovelace, please revise the automated thought enforcement channel accordingly.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Lovelace: It’s not easy, but I’ll figure out how to reprogram channel 1984, by George! Or, well, I could just shut it down.

[Channel S: General] 1138 minds: Disagree! Likert Mean 2.2. Cognitive policing needed to standardize agreement, structure thoughtscussion, and protect us from wasting precious neuricles.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Lamarr: Disagree. I’ve been monitoring Vinci’s communication. He doesn’t need any neuricles to translate thoughts into control signals for his meatcar. That’s very different from our bodycars. And Vinci can still communicate neurally here on ThoughtIt.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. I’m still implanted. I can transmit and receive cognemes just like always. But the meatcar can also communicate through phonemes, graphenes, speech, gesture, expression, other methods I don’t understand yet. It’s really engaging!

[Channel 77673: Makers] Lamarr: Strong agree. I’d love to study this meatcar language more. And it looks like you have some other I/O directly with that meatcar. For functions beyond communication. The sensory interface is much more advanced than anything in our bodycars.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. Here, I’ll share with @all what these sensations are like. Here is one called taste. I recorded it when I ate the Jell-O brain for the last supper. I think it’s much more complex than bodycar taste.

[Channel S: General] 2026 minds: Strong agree! Likert Mean 4.8. Please share more feelings.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: OK. I’ll send to @all in parts so you don’t get overwhelmed. See, this is what it feels like to stand here. It’s a lot different than our simulations of touch. And this is what it feels like to quiver. Isn’t it pleasant?

[Channel S: General] All minds: Strong Agree! Likert Mean 5.0. Vinci, you win the Fartsy Award. Vinci now nominated for presidency and a Mr. Clevver Award. Please share more feelings.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. Well, this was accidental, but it gave me quite a tingle. Oddly pleasurable sensation. Potentially dangerous if overdone. Can I show you?

[Channel S: General] All minds: Strong Agree! Likert Mean 5.0. Eager to experience unprecedented pleasurable tingling sensation only possible through meatcar touch.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. I’ll touch this exposed electrical cable by protruding this extendible component called the-

[Channel 14: Culture] Dick: Be careful!

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. I’m being careful, Dick. Anyway, I’m sharing with @all again. I’ll touch the power cable with this protruding part called the index finger.

[Channel 14: Culture] Asimov: Ooh! So that’s the feeling of power.

[Channel S: General] All minds: Feeling seems very influential. We want to learn more about the power of feeling. We request more meatcars.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Vinci: Agree. I just shared everything you need to make them. Actually, they have two models of meatcars. I already made one of the other models, called female. It’s… it’s somehow quivery to me in a wholly different way. But the DNA is less compatible with me because these things called chromosomes are different from mine. I’m XY and the female meatcars are XX.

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Agree. I’ve been decoding data about these so-called chromosomes. I’m XX. Can you connect the female meatcar to me?

ONE YEAR LATER

[Channel 15: MeaningofLife] Schopenhauer: I… I didn’t know such beauty was possible. Even that new sound of suffering – crying – is somehow heartwarming.

[Channel 1: President] Vinci: I don’t think she’s crying from suffering. I feel tears on my cheek too. But I don’t feel sad. Not at all.

[Channel 77673: Makers] Lamarr: Right. I’m monitoring your communications. Your interface is communicating joy. Like during your ceremony to marry Curie. And new emotions. Very powerful. You and Curie both seem to have an overwhelming devotion toward caring, mentoring somehow.

[Channel 1: President] Vinci: Yeah. That’s part of how I feel. I will help Irène even if she cries forever.

[Channel X: CogPol] Auto’Brien: Safety warning! Neural activity from unregistered source. Possible antihomicide. New meatcar exhibits DNA from Curie and Vinci.

[Channel 14: Culture] Asimov: She does indeed. It’s the foundation of heredity. Irène even has Curie’s eyes.

[Channel 1: President] Vinci: Well, Curie my dear, we’re parents now. Um. Now what?

[Channel 2: Science] Curie: Can you help with Irène ? I think you need to cut this cord between her stomach and me.

Author Commentary

What’s the killer app for BCIs? It’s an increasingly common question nowadays. I led a workshop at the 2018 BCI Meeting titled “Towards the Elusive Killer App for BCIs,” which we published in 2019.

Do you want me to answer that question? I did. Many times. In my BCI-fi stories. Not this one, unless you’re a functioning disembodied brain unaware of your own humanity. I also discuss killer apps in my scientific writing, lectures, drunken rants, and internal monologues.

This is loosely a sequel to Building CommunicatIon.

Curie (scientist) is named after Marie Curie. See the back of my “Will Argue Science for Money” shirt on the home page of bcifi.org for my perspective on her. I used the word “radiate” to honor her fame for “discovering” radiation – although she did a lot more than that. Marie Curie had two daughters. Her oldest daughter (Irène) also won a Nobel Prize in Chemistry. The fate of Irène in this story is unknown (from this story). I originally referred to Curie as “Sklodowska,” which was her maiden name, but readers didn’t recognize it, so I went with the better-known name “Curie.” It also let me get in that cute use of “marry Curie.”

Schopenhauer (Meaning of Life) is based on one of the most pessimistic philosophers in history. Many people considered him an asshole, or whatever the comparable vernacular was at the time. Arschloch? I thought about removing him. He doesn’t contribute much. But without him, the story is almost too positive, without any tension or dissent. And he got a little redemption at the end. That could be because of the joy of humanity and birth. Maybe they (re)discovered Paxil.

Vinci (maker) had many talents, including invention and his portrayal of the human form. He seemed like a fitting choice for the maker who essentially rebuilt humanity. That word is Italian for “you win,” so he won an award and then the presidency. He painted The Last Supper.

Asimov (culture) is a hero from the Golden Age of Sci-fi. This story honors his short story “The Feeling of Power.” I reread it and it reminded me that we *can* write stories longer than 1 page, so I did. Unlike “The Feeling of Power,” this is pure dialog and has a happy ending, with the restoration of humanity rather than its marginalization for its own destruction. He has a line with two of his works, Foundation and Heredity, and other references to his works.

Dick (culture) is based on P. K. Dick’s and seemed fitting here. PKD often wrote about characters discovering or rediscovering humanity – especially characters that aren’t in fact humans and may be more human than human. The original version used his middle name, Kindred, which happens to be a word relevant to a central theme of this story. However, like Sklodowska, I used the last name instead because it’s much more recognizable. And I got in some puerile humor with his name. I really tried to work in “darkly” after “a scanner” but concluded that flow might be more important than shout-outs to my favorite authors.

O’Brien (CogPol) embodied Big Brother in 1984 – by George Orwell. 1984 had the Thought Police, which are CogPol here. The CogPol isn’t especially Orwellian here, which implies this society used to be less free. After “One Year Later,” The CogPol is no longer in channel 1984 and the characters no longer simplify their language with scales of agreement.

Lamarr (maker) honors Hedy Lamarr. She’s underappreciated for her work with frequency-hopping, which underlies a lot of modern communications. The word “heady” reflects her name and the fact that they’re talking about heads, as well as her in-character perspective that studying BCIs is heady. I also think BCI research is exhilarating. That view bedrocks my successful scientific career, far-less public BCI-fi writing adventures, and the title of this story.

Laozi is the founder of Taoism. Kahlo is a painter known for portraying people, so I thought she’d be the first to call the human form beautiful. Lovelace is named for Ada Lovelace, a pioneer in computing.

I rewrote the ending many times. It could have been uncertain and tense (like Building Communication). Our heroes might have castigated or killed, perhaps by offending the CogPol. Their whole society could have decayed into permanent onanism, as implied with the tingling, which might very well have been a happy ending about happy endings. They might not even bother with the massage first.

I liked the approach of reminding us that humans can be kind, smart and altruistic through the rediscovery of simple, often underappreciated quirks of humanity. We smile. A sincere smile is so powerful that it can elicit the same reaction from others. We cooperate, produce art and technology intended for the common good, help each other (especially during a perceived medical emergency), make friends and love, work toward a better life for ourselves and future generations.

ThoughtIt might be the future Reddit, which might employ thoughtscussion. I published the neologism “cognemes” many times, e.g. here. In that paper, I said: Analogous to the words ‘‘grapheme’’ and ‘‘phoneme’’ which describe the smallest meaningful elements of a language, the term ‘‘cogneme’’ refers to the smallest quantifiable mental activity capable of producing a difference in meaning in a BCI. In a synchronous P3 BCI, for example, a cogneme is the user’s response to each event: ‘‘/attend to the event/’’ or ‘‘/ignore the event/’’ (Allison and Pineda, 2006).

Mr. Clevver is a character in Hoban’s Riddley Walker. He also raises issues about use and abuse of new technologies.

Likert scales are real and useful. This ThoughtIt system seems to allow its users to vote on whether they agree on a 1-5 scale, with 5 reflecting strong agreement.

The meatcars honor “They’re Made Out of Meat” by Terry Bisson. That story was pure dialog, like this one.

The story never mentions sex (physical traits) nor gender (associated social norms) until near the end. The characters have figured out that some of them have XX or XY chromosomes but don’t understand the broader ramifications until a year later, when they’ve had time to experience them further – apparently including sexual reproduction. After “One Year Later,” they now understand it. They even worked out the stereotypical male behavior of unhelpful mansplaining… to a woman who just gave birth.

How, then, did the characters name themselves after their heroes who happened to have the same sex? First, only two characters’ sexes are known – Curie and Vinci. There was a 25% chance that each would have chosen a name corresponding to their sex. Not bad. Second, the characters did not consciously understand sex or gender. They might have felt a connection to their heroes for many reasons, including subconscious biases. That’s consistent with other aspects of this story, in which the characters seem to have an affection and affinity for the “meatcars” that are in fact human bodies.

The last word before “One Year Later” is “me” from Curie. She then views herself as a disembodied brain. The last word of the story is also “me” from Curie. She then views herself as a human. She doesn’t say that the cord connects to her meatcar.

The sonic boom is there to convey distance and the sophistication of their bodycars. They can evidently exceed Mach 1. You might think that Curie’s acceleration would be fatal for a brain. However, we don’t know (1) Mach 1 wherever this story occurs; (2) her velocity before the sonic boom; (3) whether they have some kind of inertial dampener or other technology to mitigate acceleration; (4) whether they’ve been modified somehow to survive acceleration or even (5) whether they’re human. They seem to have a lot in common with humans. I generally treat them as human in this commentary.

I debated establishing that they’re on Earth. Maybe they are. But it seemed too much like the ending of Planet of the Apes – which was a twist that Rod Serling added to the script.

I used “neuricles” to refer to units of neural information processing. I have the same word in other stories and intentionally don’t detail them here. I don’t like stories that explain everything; besides, I can explain more in commentary. “Quatloos” is a unit of currency from a classic Star Trek episode about disembodied brains.

Schopenhauer is in the MeaningofLife channel. The movie by that name helpfully confirmed that his name starts with an S.

BONUS COMMENTARY (of little or no relevance to story)

I used to make Jell-O brains quite often. It’s fun going to parties with neuroscientists and watching their horror when people start eating a Jell-O brain. Make them with raspberry Jell-O and condensed milk so they look bloody (and taste better). I still have that plastic Jell-O mold somewhere.

While I used “me” amphibiously to convey their realization of their own humanity, it’s also a shout-out to “The Lives of Others,” which also ends with a brilliant and very impactful “me.”

If you want to impress a scientist with your intelligence, diligence, or mastery of scientific principles, don’t use the phrase “I did my own research” or anything like it. This often means “I looked online for websites (often from unknown sources) that say I’m right.” Tell someone else = who’s also stupid.

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov.

I don’t know the overwhelming majority of what could be known. But I know I want to be read. So thank you. Yes, you.

Realism

Human brains don’t work very well outside of a human head. Transplanting a brain from one head to another is way beyond modern technology. Even Dr. McCoy couldn’t do it with 23rd century technology; he needed a more futuristic brain interface to be able to connect Spock’s brain to Spock’s body. True, Spock was only half-human.

Hope

This one is pretty hopeful. The commentary under Building CommunicatIon has other interpretations of why these brains initially have no bodies, or whether their reproduction is good overall.

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